The new popcorn maker is just as bad as the old popcorn maker

Both of these popcorn makers suck. (At least the outlet behind them works.)

Both of these popcorn makers suck. (At least the outlet behind them works.)

The new popcorn maker is just as bad as the old popcorn maker. And that's saying something. Because the old popcorn maker was the worst.

I lost custody, as one does, of the original popcorn maker during the separation, which was fine. These things happen. And so I picked up its replacement at a thrift store.

And it sucked.

I've been writing a list of reasons my head for months about why it sucked. Here they are:

  1. The on-off switch did not work. Instead, we turned it on and off by plugging it in and unplugging it.
  2. It was very loud.
  3. It got too hot, too quickly, and popped only about half the kernels. The unpopped kernels hid among the popped ones, occasionally and painfully jarring one's molars. It wasted a lot of popcorn.
  4. The plastic thingy on the top to melt the butter was warped and didn’t fit properly into its hole. And it barely held any better anyway.
  5. Instead of depositing the popped kernels into the bowl set front of it, the popcorn maker chose instead to spew popcorn all over the kitchen counters and floor, unless you wrapped a tea towel around it and guided the kernels into a bowl the way a midwife might gently guide a baby into the world. (I’ve been watching a lot of Call the Midwife lately.) But then the popper got really hot and burned your hands, which is not at all what newborns do.

That’s a lot of reasons for a small and single-use kitchen appliance to suck. I mean, the thing had only one job to do, and it couldn't do it. So last week I decided enough and got all crazy and wild and bought a new popcorn maker, as in brand-new, from a retail store, and just now Rowan and I tried it out and I am not pleased at all to report that it’s just as bad.

It started off auspiciously enough. The new popper is bright red, and more attractive. “The on switch works,” said Rowan, a hint of awed relief in his voice. He turned it on. “And it’s quieter.”

Now, it’s probably true that we put too many kernels in the new popper. And maybe that’s why it got all jammed up and the popcorn got stuck and compacted and the popper at least had the good sense to abruptly shut off as the kitchen filled with smoke and I had to scrape the blackened kernels out with a knife. Still, maybe that was just a poor start and we would get the hang of things. We tried again, with fewer kernels, and the maker squeezed out some popcorn, but the butter never melted, and when I tried to pop a another round, because that was barely enough popcorn to feed an 11-year-old boy and his mom during an episode of Friday Night Lights, it wouldn’t turn on again because overheating. I checked the instructions — apparently, you're supposed to wait 30 minutes in between popping your quarter cup of corn.

I don't have that kind of time, SUNBEAM.

Plus, decidedly un-fluffy kernels.

Conclusion: The new popcorn maker is also the worst.

There's no hidden message here, no deeper meaning I need to get into here. The old one sucked, and so does the new one, and that is deeply disappointing. I just needed to get that off my chest. The end.

As my mother might have said, this should be my worst problem.